


Too Much Too Fast

by Homestuckified



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autism, Meltdown, Overstimulation, autistic dirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-07 22:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3184763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homestuckified/pseuds/Homestuckified
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk doesn't understand, and that's the worst part.</p><p>Everything is wrong, and no one seems to think so except him. He wants to break down. He wants it to stop. But he can't. No one is supposed to know he's messed up. What the hell is wrong with him?</p><p>Or the one where Dirk has autism and doesn't know it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meltdown

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I am autistic myself. I am basing this on my experiences, and those I've talked to. If I offended you, made a mistake, or did any of the sort feel free to comment, and I will take it into consideration.

It would have been easier if it was PTSD. Or if it was anxiety. Or even some form of depression.

But it's not and you don't /understand/. It wasn't a big deal before the game when you flapped your hands when you were happy or couldn't eat some textures or that sometimes metal hurt to touch. You could obsess over your things, and no one was there to tell you to stop or that it wasn't normal.

But that was before. During the game was different. It was worse, but it was manageable. You figured out really quickly not to flap your hands around your friends. Jake had stared at you and asked if you were okay. Yeah, of course you were. You were- oh.

You played it off as being anxious over meeting him. You would later learn to not make "those noises", to not rock or nod too much, to act like your friends did.

It went from bad to hell after the game. Anyone who was still alive was placed back on a meteor for three years to travel to the newest universe, where you'd have to build society or be gods or something.

The problem was, it was just small. You have to share a room, and for the first time in your life, you're not able to be alone. You're not the most popular pick for a roommate. You're partnered with Jade. Her voice is high and sometimes she laughs, and it hurts and makes you want to cry, but you just nod along and pretend you don't feel like yanking your ears out.

On the meteor it's always noisy and cold and cramped, and you find yourself constantly on edge. You're afraid you'll screw up, and everyone will know how messed up you are. You're afraid you won't be able to help yourself from flapping your hands or rocking or doing /something/ around other people, so you isolate yourself as best you can. You hide in the library.

No one except Rose really visits the library. It's colder than the rest of the meteor and it's gray and boring. The books are all old reference books. Nothing exciting. You usually sit on a chair in the last row and cover your ears. You try not to feel as you resist the urge to hurt yourself.

Today, however, Roxy is making you come to the kitchen with her for some ungodly reason. You would have fought against it harder, but she grabbed your arm, and honestly, you just wanted her to stop touching you. You agreed reluctantly, and she /finally/ let go of her arm.

"Dirk~" she drawls out your name when you don't walk fast enough, making you flinch. You move faster.

"I'm coming..." you grumble, "Why do you want me in the kitchen so bad?"

"Coffee machine broke," she shrugs and opens the kitchen door. You're about to reply, but the lights in the kitchen are turned on, and about thirty people yell. You don't register what they say, and you're petrified. Your hands instantly grip your thighs tightly in an attempt to control yourself. Why are they here? Why are they here?

"Happy Birthday!" Roxy shrills, breaking you out of your trance to cringe at her voice. You resist the urge to cover your ears. You resist the urge to do a lot of things as you put on a smile.

"Thanks," you try to say genuinely, but it's sharp and crude sounding. Roxy doesn't notice as she walks past you to greet Dave on the opposite side of the kitchen, who by the looks of it was surprised as well. Two cakes sit at on the island in the middle of everyone. One cake has orange writing and one has red. It takes you a moment to understand, but this is a surprise party. You really really don't like surprise parties, you decide.

You dig your nails into your thighs. You desperately want to abscond, but you eye the door. Would anyone even notice if you-

"Let's eat cake!" Jane suggests, loudly, interrupting your thoughts. Your ears pound as the noise in the room gets louder. Everyone moves to the table, but you're stuck. Your jeans fit wrong and are too tight and too loose, and it's all wrong, and your shirt is too tight and sticks to you in all the wrong places, and you're suddenly too hot and-

"Dirk?" someone calls and you turn your head slightly to look at Rose. Her lips are pressed together in a strict line. You pray your poker face works "Are you alright?"

No, no, everything is wrong, you want to shout, but you just shrug and nod, and no, no, fuck that was a bad idea because you can't stop nodding. She puts her hand on your shoulder, and her expression changes.

"Are you okay!" she says, louder. You make a strangled groan at her touch and she pulls away, scared. Fuck, fuck, fuck! You can't stop nodding, and you feel yourself starting to cry. Why now? Why? why? WHY? You groan in frustration and sink to the floor. Everyone is staring at you. You bring your knees to your chest and hit your head against the wall. Suddenly there's a louder and much lower voice.

"Alright, everybody out!" they yell as you let out a choked sob. You rock back and forth violently. Everyone is talking loud and walking and Too much too fast too much too fast too much too fast too much too-

"Hey Dirk," the low voice says again calmly. You force yourself to look at them from the corner of your eye. Dave quickly wraps an arm around your neck and one around your knees, stopping you from hitting the wall. He takes off your shades and you close your eyes tightly. He pulls you against his chest as he rocks you more gently. You try to shove him away, but he holds on tighter. "I know it hurts, but I can't let you hurt yourself, okay?" He asks, and you don't respond. You fight against him, sobbing. He runs his blunt nails down your neck, and you groan again, but it takes some of the edge away. He seems to know this too, because he starts running his fingers through your hair and down your neck. You yank at your shirt, wanting to claw it off.

"Rose." He says louder than before. You flinch. "Go into my room and get a comb and the black blanket in my drawer."

A quieter voice comes from what you think is outside the door, "Anything else?"

Dave rocks you steadily, and it helps. The noise is gone except for the sound of the fan above. You stop tensing so much, and you feel Dave recognize this. His rocking is easier now. Smoother. You no longer need to go as hard or as fast, though you probably would if you could.

You hear footsteps and a door opens. Dave moves an arm away to take something from probably Rose. He wraps a blanket over half of you, and... it's heavy. It's like someone put a line between the bad feeling and you. You let out a keen, and Dave covers you entirely with the blanket. He runs a comb through your hair, and it's better. It's so much better. He's not touching you anymore, the heavy blanket is made of something soft and smooth, and the comb is scraped against your scalp, and it is stronger than the overwhelming feeling.

"Wanna go to my room?" Dave mumbles, not faulting in his rocking. You nod ever so slightly, and he stands you up with himself, still holding you and rocking. He guides you out of the kitchen and down a hall. You half hope no one sees you, but you can't bring yourself to care as he pushes a door open and nudges you in. The lights are off, but he doesn't turn them on. He directs you to the bed. He sits down criss-cross and holds you in his lap. You whimper and pull at your clothes again, and he nods. He takes the blanket off you long enough for you to rip your shirt off and get up to get your pants off. He puts the blanket back over your shoulders and pulls you back again him to continue rocking. Your back is against his chest through the blanket, and he rocks you steadily. Suddenly you're very tired. You let yourself go lax against him. He continues rocking.

"You tired?" he asks, and you nod. He wraps the blanket tighter around you.

You probably wouldn't have been able to fall asleep if not for being so exhausted. You sigh and drift off very very quickly.


	2. Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gives Dirk some much needed answers and support.

You open your eyes, and instantly you panic. You don't know where you are, and it's warmer than your room, and the blanket is heavy, and maybe that's not a bad thing, but-

Oh.

You remember now and wish you didn't. You sit up.

Dave's room is silent. You wonder where John is. Isn't this his room too? You feel guilty.

On the bedside table is a note. It reads:

"Dirk-  
Come out when you're ready. I'll just be in the kitchen or in your room. We need to talk. I told everyone to stay out of my room and to keep quieter. Take your time. And SERIOUSLY don't not rock. It'll just make it worse.

PS, I left you clothes on the end of the bed.

-Dave"

You lay back and rub your forehead. You're confused and hating yourself a bit more than usual. Everyone knows. EVERYONE. They all know you're a goddamn fuck up. You curl up in the heavy blanket again. 

You're not really tired, so you don't go back to sleep. You take Dave's advice and rock gently.

How did Dave know? Was his brother like this too? It's the only thing that would make sense, seeing he knew exactly what to do. If his bro was like this too then maybe it's genetic... you aren't sure if this is a comfort or not.

You spend a long time just in your own mind. It feels nice and, thanks to Dave, quiet. You'll have to thank him later.

When your skin no longer feels like it's coming off of your body, and you can think clearly you take the clothes off of the end of the bed. It's a tank top, a sweatshirt, and what you thought was jeans, but it's instead stretchier and slimmer. You get dressed, and honestly, it's one of the most comfortable things you've ever worn.

You open the door outside of Dave's room, and the hall is empty. A first. You walk out into the kitchen. Jake and Jane are chatting, and you can feel them tense. Their conversation ends abruptly as they try not to say anything to you that might set you off. You sigh and hang your head slightly, shameful.

"Is Dave...-" You start but are cut off by Jane.

"In your room." She says with as little words as possible. You want to pull your hair out at their new perception of you. It hurts, but you just nod and walk out of the door on the opposite side. You turn a corner and come to your room. You debate knocking. It's your room, right? You settle for a knock, but an immediate entrance. It's more of a warning than a request to enter.

"Dave." You say flatly. Dave is sitting on a chair in the corner, on his phone. He looks up.

"You feeling better?" He asks as though you just had the flu. You nod, finding it much easier not to talk.

"Dirk, do you know what's going on?"

You shake your head.

"Do you want to sit with me, and I can tell you?"

You nod and move to sit next to him nervously. He hovers a a hand above your knee. You nod and he squeezes your hand. He rubs gentle circles on your knee, and you soon find yourself leaning against him.

"Does that happen a lot?" Dave asks in a soft voice. You shrug.

"And no one knows." He states, matter-of-fact. You aren't sure if he meant it like a question and mind yourself nodding.

"Do you know what autism is?" he whispers softly, snapping you out of your trance.

Dave starts running his fingers through your hair, and you realize you're starting to flap your hands uncomfortably again. You slap your hand against your thigh with your other hand to hold it still.

"Dirk..." Dave says softly, "My bro had autism, and I think you do too."

You freeze up. You don't want to think about this. You want to be anywhere but here. Dave's hand doesn't move until you shrug it off of yourself. He doesn't say anything.

"It's not a bad thing," Dave says and you nod, for no reason except to focus on his words, "It just means you're different than other people."

"You don't have to act like everyone else, Dirk. I know it must hurt."

"Yeah," you mumble back.

"And you especially don't have to act like it around me. You can stim until your heart's content," he says, and you smile. Maybe... you could just... a little bit- you let go of the hand keeping your other hand on your thigh and let yourself wave small circles into the air. It feels like a sudden relief. Like you took a breath after holding it for so long.

"See?" Dave says quietly after a moment, "feels good doesn't it?" You can practically hear the smile in his voice. You nod. You feel happy just for a moment before you remember.

"Are they mad at me?" You ask, quietly, your hand no longer for comfort but to keep you calm instead.

"No, no, of course no. They're just scared. They didn't know what was wrong."

"... Do they know now?"

Dave sighs, "Yeah... I had to tell them so they would leave you along for a bit. Jane was freaking out."

You nod. "Autism," You say, trying to wrap your head around it.

"Asperger's, more specifically. In case you wanted to do research on it," Dave adds.

"It's just... There's a name for it," you say in disbelief. Sure, you had heard about autism but not much about it. From the movies you'd seen it was super smart, crazy mathematicians who had no feelings, but you know you have feelings. Dave seems to think so too.

"You spent your entire life, not knowing you weren't like other people?" Dave asks, and you shrug.

"No one to compare me to. I didn't meet up with anyone until the game. I just thought it was because I was raised so along that I wasn't like them."

Dave nods, and you two fall into a lapse of silence.

"What does everyone else think about it?" you ask quietly.

"They're... not sure what to think about it to be honest. I'll make sure it's nothing bad though."

"... thank you." is all you can manage to reply.

"You wanna hang out along the rest of the day?"

You take a second to respond, but you nod. Solitude is something you're craving.

Dave gets up. He doesn't say anything as he opens the door and leaves. You move to your robots and start tinkering. Your hand flaps at your side. 


End file.
